My Thousand Anxious Desires

Somewhere between leading a bible study last night and catching a few minutes of Jay Leno’s bravery in the face of a writer’s strike, Thomas Merton nailed me and my preoccupations in one fell swoop: a “thousand anxious desires” he said. It is the result of a lack of detachment, characteristic of the agitated spirit. “In order to defend ourselves against agitation, we must be detached not only from the immediate results of our work – and this detachment is difficult and rare – but from the whole complex of aims that govern our earthly lives.” When we lack this detachment we succumb to a thousand fears corresponding to our thousand anxious desires.

My agitation – my restless spirit – exudes this angst. “No matter what our aims may be, no matter how spiritual, no matter how intent we think we are upon the glory of God and His Kingdom, greed and passion enter into our work and turn it into agitation as soon as our intention ceases to be pure.” So when I yelled at the children to get in the right building last night prior to our children’s program, my thousand anxious desires revealed a fearful knot. I was as eager to see them leave the church property, as I was to see them enter the sanctuary. “Agitation is the useless and ill-directed action of the body. It expresses the inner confusion of a soul without peace” and it is an enemy of the spirit; the precise opposite the goal of the disciplined life.

I long for this detachment, and in my longing I fear that I will cling to this detachment; hence my wrongful attachments tie me up again. Merton recognizes, “It is just as easy to become attached to an ascetic technique as to anything else under the sun.” (Merton, No Man Is An Island, Dell Publishing Co.: 1955, pp118-120.)

O Lord, in my confession, help me to seek You and Your purposes.

Coupled with the Merton reading my devotion took me to Numbers 18 where God spoke to the Aaronic priests (not to be confused with the Ironic ones…) saying, You will not receive any allotment of land among the Israelites in this claiming of the Promise. You will receive no share. “I am your share and your possession…(v.20).” I have to believe this is more than a pronouncement that their weekly paycheck will come from the tithes and not the marketplace economy. I have to believe there is something deeply reassuring about God’s saturation of the priestly purpose and meaning in life. One so deeply consuming that an entire nation of priests, who fail to identify with Aaron’s financial portion, can affirm together, “He’s all I need.”

How many times have I wished I were a carpenter, or a tradesman? Or have I longed for new areas of study? Or any one other of my thousand anxious desires?

“For you made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” We never stop confessing, do we Augustine…